Sometimes life kicks you in the teeth. Sometimes there’s a perfectly adequate explanation – someone died, you lost your job, you lost a lover – and sometimes you feel tossed upside down for no specific reason at all. My personal upside down-ness was a major reason I started this project. I’m terribly afraid of being alone – of feeling lonely, of ending up alone, of feeling distant from friends. I’ve experienced some awful situations that certainly made this worse, but really it’s something that eats away at me and, to some extent, always has. I’m incredibly lucky to have an amazing family and truly amazing friends I can call / text / email / message when I feel lost and panicked, but it’s unreasonably difficult for me to ask for help. I don’t want to be “that friend” always asking for support and help so she can stand back up again. So I tend to suffer in silence until it explodes – on a day like today. When I cry at lunch, cry at the gelato place (who can cry over gelato, you ask? That would be me), cry for hours feeling lonely and lost.
So here I am, world. I need some help. Alone is great and fabulous (so people tell me) and I need to find a way to feel comfortable with it or I’ll keep repeating this pattern. Mostly I’m hoping that reading these books and writing as I muddle through will help me move in a new direction. I am blessed in so many ways and have unbelievably fantastic things happening in my life. I also figure I can’t be the only smart, capable and devilishly fabulous person dealing with this sort of insecurity and if my journey can help someone else muddle through, that’s even better.
I am smart and capable, and I know I can do this.
Okay, maybe know is too strong, but I believe I can do this. That’s enough for now.