Suddenly I See

I prefer to draft my writing – including my blog posts – by hand in my journal, then type it up at a later point. In the time that elapsed between my initially drafting the Waiting for What post and the other day when I typed it up for the blog, my world has spun on its axis and there is more to the story than there was at first. I decided to split the post in two, and to share the original post essentially as written, and use this post to share the “and then this happened” part.

About two weeks after the Bread and Puppet performance, Anna came to visit me for the weekend. Over dinner the first night, I was elated to tell her about how that night and the art helped me finally put words to something I’ve been stuck on for so long. I talked at length about how I was waiting for all the wrong things, and how I’m determined to dive in and live my life, believing I’ll find the right girl when I stop looking for her. I talked about the hikes and walks and was thrilled that she really seemed to understand what I was talking about.

Anna and I met 16 years ago when we both attended Smith College, but since graduation we’ve mostly been connected through the interwebs. When she moved to Vermont last summer, we were both delighted to discover that our friendship translated well from online back to real life. We’ve spent entire weekends in pajamas watching different versions of Hamlet, or the entire first season of Orphan Black, debating the finer points of Doctor Who, or examining the underpinnings of our faith. As our friendship has grown, we’ve become essential to one another with almost no effort at all. When my last partnership ended, Anna was the first person I called. That weekend, while I tried to keep a brave face through family events and baby showers, her frequent text messages elicited the few smiles and giggles I was able to manage. I would smile through tears and my mother would gently ask, “what did Anna say?”

After I recovered from my break up, I realized I was interested in finding out if the connection I felt to Anna could be something more than just friendship. In true Becket form, I simply asked her out on a date, taking her entirely by surprise. She said no and we agreed to set it aside and actively make sure it didn’t affect our friendship. I placed my feelings in a box, set the box on a shelf, and we carried on with our fun and ridiculous friendship.

What I didn’t know was that this set other things in motion.

Both Anna and I have dated other quite fabulous people in the intervening months, but I placed an idea in her mind that she set aside until she was ready to ponder and consider it. When we both were single at the same time late this spring, she pulled this idea out to give it her full attention and discovered, I think to her surprise, she saw the same relationship potential I brought up last fall.

I feel the need to interject at this point – in the spirit of the Princess Bride – that the rest of this post has a bit of mush to it. If you actively avoid the kissing or the gooey lovey bits of stories, you should stop reading now. Seriously.

During the course of that evening – sharing a delicious and companionable dinner, wandering through downtown Montpelier, driving to see a movie – something very small and equally massive shifted. Not for the first time, while sitting next to her I was aware of every shift of her body, aware of how closely she was sitting, electrically aware any time she reached over to touch me or whisper in my ear. Sitting closely turned to holding hands in the movie theater, walking hand in hand back to my car, and sharing a kiss on the sidewalk. That kiss nudged us from best friends to “holy cow, no wonder none of my relationships with other people actually worked.”

In a late night conversation on Google Plus a few weeks back, I was describing the way I approach things compared to a much more conservative friend. I said something like, “I think it ties to you waiting to do something until all your ducks are in a row. I just tell the ducks, ‘hop in! Time to swim!'”

This translates well to the way Anna and I approach life – I just toss an idea out there and ponder it as I go, learning and adapting along the way. Anna waits to make sure she examines the situation from every side before she steps into the fray. I’m very thankful we approach life in these opposite but compatible ways. Neither of us was really ready to try this out last fall, but if I hadn’t brought it up as a possibility she might not have taken the time to consider it.

Sometimes life just makes sense.

The best part? It feels like it’s always been this way.

Becket’s Words of Wisdom

When in doubt, I suggest falling in love with your best friend. She knows you better than basically anyone else on the planet, and she’s already seen you at your worst and your best. You know that thing about finding love when you’re not looking for it? Yeah…that.

Not needing to be anything other than exactly yourself?

Best. Thing. Ever.

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